one is a statement. two is a pattern. three is a lifestyle.
A scented display object engineered for double-takes, questionable conversations, and dramatically improved shelf presence.
Not a sex toy. Not for internal use.
This product is designed solely as a novelty display object and ambient fragrance product. It has not been designed, manufactured, or tested for bodily insertion, genital contact, oral contact, or contact with mucous membranes.
It may possess extremely confident geometry. That does not constitute permission.
THE SCENT
the sheet cake from the break room. the one that arrived in a white box. nobody ordered it. nobody knows whose birthday it is. it tastes like a healthcare plan. our lawyers used the word "adjacent." twice.
WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY GETTING
✺ SCENT PROFILE ✺
ACTUAL FRAGRANCE: Vanilla Birthday Cake
TOP NOTES
✱fresh vanilla frosting, still soft
✱the good corner piece, before anyone called dibs
MID NOTES
✱convenience-store buttercream
✱a candle that has clearly been relit since 2019
BASE NOTES
✱stale sheet-cake cardboard
✱the fluorescent hum of a break room at 3pm
* scent notes are olfactory approximations. our lawyers have strong feelings about the word "accurate."
MORE PROBLEMS INCOMING
it's open. it's a real problem now. drop your email and we'll tell you when it gets worse.
Batch 001 is open. Hear about new smells, restocks, and Gary & Steve's ongoing situation before everyone else. About one email a month.
* purchase necessary, unfortunately. joining the email list means we know who you are. pricing, availability, and the nature of our outstanding decisions are all subject to change. your email is safe. we are not a serious company but we take data seriously. probably.
